Illusions
by The Leaf 180
Summary: They say love is magic, but isn't magic just an illusion?  Pain and rage and saddness, is not an illusion. Death is not an illusion, it is forever. He is dying and there is no hope, but she will never give up on him. Some promises are made to break.


**I was listening to "Not Broken" by The Goo Goo Dolls and it reminded me of Kakashi, so I named this story after it. ****Birthday Drabble for my favorite masked ninja~ yeah, it's late, I know. Life has been getting... interesting.**

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><p>He is floating, long since lost his sanity in the ever present darkness. A part of him wonders what is taking so long for death to claim him. A kunai to the neck should be enough to kill anybody, especially when you where as careless as he had been.<p>

If he had the strength he would have laughed at his foolishness. But then again, he wasn't in the position to be laughing.

he is beyond caring, he is beyond feeling. He wonders if this is the end, and he will cheat death no longer. Maybe this time there won't be a way out, there wont be someone to save him. Maybe this time he can finally let go.

Maybe he really was going to die this time, maybe this time there would be no one to help him hold on. Maybe this time he could finally see them again...Obito, sensei...

He lefts the numb sensation fill him, steal away everything. He feels the blood, ever present, dousing him. He slowly opens his eyes, dimly surprised at how long it took. He imagined how he must look, deathly frail and limp, on death's doorstep, pale and weak in the end.

His eyelids drooped, until the blurry canopy of tree's are overcome from the shadows on the edge of his vision.

Will he make it through this? He didn't know if he wanted to, a kunai to the throat was irreversible damage, and even if he did make it through, which was highly unlikely, his voice would pay the price. (He didn't believe in miracles, they never worked for him anyway)

No matter what would happen, his voice would be less lucky, and enough blood was pouring into his lung it was all he couldn't do to not gag for air that had somehow become so much thicker. That was adding a collapsed lung, on top of it all.

The odds weren't great considering he was rendered immobile, there was no future for him anymore. He didn't know if he wanted one.

He can imagine a play of light as the dying sunlight struggles to reach him though the thick weave of the forest. But no, somethings calling to him, reaching out, latching on and dragging him back, painfully, and it surprises him that he can label this feeling through the foggy numb that has taken him over.

It almost has him, death and life using him, fighting to steal him back, put him where he belonged, but suddenly, somethings pulses though him, warm, and a worried voice rings through the darkness, into his ear, _Oh God no... _

It sounds faint and far away from where he is, but he clings to it, and lets it guide him through a tunnel to the living, only a few precious seconds to use, only a few moments that would define the boundaries between life and death for him, and a loved one.

But try as he might, the sound of her voice withered and he fell, lost in the darkness that held him captive. He wanted to go to her, follow the sound of her voice and healing hands, but his will to live was dead.

And he was finding it so hard to breathe...

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><p>Rin raced through the trees, tears blurred her vision and she used instinct to lead her to him. She had teamed up with Tenzou, and set off to find him. She trailed close behind the ANBU operative as she flew through the forest.<p>

She urged herself faster, flinging herself through the trees, vaulting herself off of branches, hoping that she made it in time. she didn't know what she'd do if...

No. She couldn't think like that. There was hope left. There's always hope. That was what she believed. She focused on the sound of his voice, her memory of how she last saw him staining her thoughts.

He looked just like he always did, raven eyes and a wolf mask hanging lazily off the side of his head. He had promised he would come back. She remembered his silky voice as it faded into her subconscious.

_"I will always come back for you"_

She bit her bottom lip, focusing on him. How his silver hair hung like a misty veil over his scarred eye when it wasn't in use. How his black eye sparked into life when he saw her. His chiseled, narrow face, hidden behind a mask.

His broad shoulders, his muscular, strong arms, that would wrap around her and encase her. His hands, big and warm, life a glove. His perfectly crafted fingers, callouses and all. His sturdy chest, laced with scars. His toned abs, solid underneath all that armour.

She felt a surge of energy and used it to push her self faster. They were getting close. She could feel it.

Just as the duo neared a clearing, she knew in her heart something was wrong. The way the birds had gone quiet, leaving a empty silence. It sent chills up her spine as a pang of dread sank into her heart. She pushed past Tenzou, into the bloodstained clearing.

She was momentarily blinded by the harsh sunlight pulsing through the gap in the trees. She blinked away the wall of tears that glazed her eyes, and her heart almost stopped when she saw the sight of the man she loved more than anything, her honor, her home or any other worldly possessions, more than life itself.

"Oh God no..." _Not him. Not now. Not like this._

She staggered to him on stiff legs, forcing herself to move. Her horror grew as she neared him, seeing the extent of his wounds. Her legs buckled underneath her and she knelt beside him. With shaking hands she desperately searched for a pulse, praying to anyone who might hear her that he was somehow still alive.

She took in the damage, the blood smeared across his face and soaked into his clothes. It was washed into his hair, red against silver, like a morbid masterpiece. The red liquids had long since dried onto his armour, clinging to his young frame and making him appear scrawny and underweight.

She gazed into the deep hole in his throat, tears spilling down her face onto his silent form. The wound was still bleeding and angry, crying red tears, not ceasing to trickle down onto his limp arms.

Rin saw the mangled flesh, torn muscles and a steady stream of crimson dripping onto her hand. Her hands were stained with his blood. Her lovers blood. She pressed her fingers against him, trembling like a dying leaf in a fierce Autumn breeze, wanting to fold into a ball and wish it all away.

Rin concentrated on her job. It was her duty after all. After a few more seconds of stony silence, broken only my the muffled sobs of the girl, Rin had began to give up hope. It was useless.

Kakashi was dead.

She felt a weak throb beneath her fingers, as if to assure her not to give up. She thought she had imagined it, but willed herself quiet as she fed chakra into him, trying to find his pulse. It was just there wasn't it?

Another dull throb answered her question. She sighed softly, yes, it was still there. It was faint and he was still in danger, but at least now Rin knew she had to try. She summoned up her strength to save her dying friend and was about to continue when a hand landed on her shoulder.

She started, whipping her head around to meet the morose eyes of her companion. Tenzou's eyes were gloomy and dark with grief, it was almost too much to bare. But she was the medic and she came here with a job to do.

Tenzou shook his head, bending down to pick up his fallen comrade. Rin lay in his path, pressing herself against Kakashi, forbidding Tenzou from taking him from her. She didn't care about his forever flowing blood staining her or how cold an dead he felt against her.

Tenzou turned to her with his empty eyes. "He's gone Rin, there's nothing we can do, we were too late."

Rin was frozen, not wanting to hear his words, denying it, Tenzou didn't know anything. Rin didn't move, refusing to believe him. She glared at him from atop Kakashi's still, lifeless form.

"No" She croaked, her throat closing up with grief.

He could not just die like this. He had to keep living for her, he cant leave her alone. He promised he would come back, why would he lie? Kakashi would never give up, not when he knew that she needed him right? She would not give up on him just yet.

A mournful silence hung over them, pulluting the air with its sadness.

Tenzou placed a patient hand on her shoulder. "Don't make this harder than it has to be." He whispered, gently pulling her away from his subordinate.

He had his job to do to, he owed to Kakashi to look after Rin now, He knew he needed to make sure she made it home safe, and went on. He knew Kakashi would do anything for her and now Tenzou had to step up and protect her.

She had no one left, and now she was alone, in her eyes. Tenzou was never good at comforting people, he always thought he was the awkward in situations like this.

He closed his eyes as he stood and drew in a deep breath. He concentrated briefly, and was able to locate a large group of ninja heading away from the clearing, at a slow pace.

Tenzou could tell they were the rouges in the mission, mainly because there was no one out here for miles, and they seemed injured based on their slow pace. He gazed straight ahead, into the depths of the vast forest.

"Fine."

Rin followed him with her gaze as he stood, not yet daring to hope that Tenzou was giving her the time she needed. She blinked away tears that were bubbling up at the corners of her vision.

"The band of rouges aren't far." He rasped. "I'm going after them."

With one last nod in her direction, he set off, bolting into the murky forest beyond.

Rin stared into the forest that had swallowed him up. "Be careful..." She whispered after him.

The dark forest seemed to loom over her. It was up to her now, she was all alone. She caught the unspoken words that he left. _You have until then to bring him back, do what it takes, the rest is up to you._

She sat up with a new resolve, willing to try one more time. She was detemind to save him, the only one she had to live for, and prayed, and hoped with all that she was, that she hadn't wasted all her time.

She sighed in relief as she located his fluttering heartbeat once more. She pumped chakra into him, emitting a healing glow. Her chakra fed the glow, urging it brighter. She was like his beacon, she thought idly, a soft light to guide him back home, back where he belonged.

She turned her attention to his most serious injury, she channeled more of her chakra into his neck, Noting with a pang just how far gone he already was.

Even if she managed to stop the blood flow, and find a way to repair his torn throat, and then find a way to save his voice. Dread began to grow in her heart, but she pushed it aside, she owed it to him just to try.

She would save him, even if it killed her. And with that thought stuck firmly in mind, she took a deep breath to keep herself steady and got to work.

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><p>He coughed as oxygen entered his lungs once more. He was... alive? He could feel the life in him return, warming his stiff limbs and returning the light to his eyes. the taste of blood on his tongue was faint, seeing that he had been choking on mouthfuls for what seemed to be moments before. How long had he been out?<p>

He lay there, breathing, just feeling the air in his lungs and the reassuring ground beneath him. He still felt weak, immobilizes against the hard ground. He had next to no chakra and knew that he was exhausted, physically and chakra-wise.

Kakashi peeled open his good eye groggily, waiting for the world to stop spinning above him. The shadows on the corners of his vision made it hard to see, but he could just barely notice... The form of another laying next to him.

Confusion arose, fighting through his dulled senses, struggling to make sense of his visitor. He shifted his head to get a better view, inwardly cringing about how much energy that took. He felt winded, like that time when he was a kid and training with his father, and he had let a punch go past his guard and got him right in the gut.

It felt like all the air had disappeared. Soon after came a routine that Kakashi had started to get used to.

First there was apologizing ("Oops! sorry 'bout that 'kashi!")

And scolding ("Maybe you were better it wouldn't have happened!")

And threatening ( "If that happens again you'll go without dinner!")

And wisdom sharing ("Out on the field you would have been dead, next time it'd be worse so you'll learn.")

And eventually, story telling ("I remember that one time when I was a chuunin...")

The last one Kakashi liked the most, but it normally took half the day to get to it, and by then, he would have been feeling better anyway.

The stranger next to him, to their soft mousy brown hair to glazed eyes, staring at something he couldn't see, it could only be one person. The girl in question felt his gaze on her, and rolled her head to the side to meet his gaze. A light shone dimly beneath her sepia tinted irises.

They gazed at each other, in a mute understanding, the icy silence hung over them like a cloud.

"Oh good you're awake..." she murmured, with her cloudy eyes and sleepy voice.

He blinked slowly. "Rin..." _My voice..._

What did she do? There was no way she could have healed him. She was an amazing medic, but something like this was too... irreversible. It was above her level. She didn't have to chakra, how did she...?

"...Tenzou and I came for you...he went after the people who... did this to you...they weren't...that far...away actually..." Her eyes closed for a minute, and Kakashi almost believed her heart had stopped beating.

He reached out, ignoring the agony shooting up his arm as he grabbed her tiny hand, feeling its how small and fragile and cold it was. Her eyes fluttered open, and surprise lingered in her gaze, but also faint happiness. She smiled gently, her whole face lighting up weakly.

"How... what did you do...?" He rasped, feeling his world shift out from under him for a moment.

He blanched, and his face became a ghostly white, like chalk. He had always been pale but he knew this was a new low for him. He fought the darkness creeping up the edges of his vision, only wanting to concentrate on her angel-like face.

Her smile stayed put, her eyes shown only acceptance to her fate. She sighed dreamily, "I saved you...that's what I'm supposed to to for someone I love right?"

Kakashi's eye widened a fraction as the realization hit him "No... please, no"

Later he would admit that as soon as he saw her next to him, he knew she was going to die, his heart and mind just refused to admit it. Later he would admit that he truly did need her in his life.

Later he would admit how empty his life was without her in it. His world revolved around her, and without her there was nothing. He was nothing. But his slow mind refused to take in the obvious clues, the facts, and the signs he knew all too well. No amount of training would prepare him for this.

"..You should be fine now... everything ...is.. alright.." Rin whispered, her eyes drooping.

He tightened his grip on her hand, wanting her to feel him with her, wanting her to know that he was listening. He wanted to calm her, reassure her that it would all be fine and they would go home and have a life after this, but deep down inside he knew it wasn't real.

His voice was gravelly and low, and it sent a scraping pain all up and down his esophagus. He doubted he's ever be able to yell again, but it didn't bother him much, he's always been the quiet one.

"...Why? Why would you... do this... for me?" His croaked, working to keep his eyes open.

She sighed quietly again and her eyes seemed detached and glassy as she found Kakashi's lonely black eye. "Because, you... you have so much more to live for Kakashi... please... make the most of it."

Her soft tones broke Kakashi's heart. He couldn't stand to see her like this, so cold and helpless in the arms of death. "No... I lived for you, Rin, you were the only one..." You_ were my friend, but more than that, in a way._

The wind howled over head, sending shudders down his spine as it added to the hopeless aura in the air.

Her fingers twitched in Kakashi's hold. "You have to...live...promise me."

This wasn't happening. She wasn't going to die, this wasn't going to be the last time he saw her, staring off into something beyond. He wasn't going to lose her. He couldn't. Life couldn't be this cruel.

He felt a hollow part of him echo, pangs of sadness breaking down the barrier he had built. This was love, this was the pain felt when you lose something precious, something irreplaceable, something you cant live without.

This was the loneliness in his numb eyes that would stay, carefully hidden behind a reassuring smile, but always there. This was the bond they had made, strengthened, it would never be broken, their love would span through life and beyond.

And although Kakashi would be missing a part of him, he had to go on, and hope that someday, the pain of loosing her might lessen, and he could learn to hope again.

"Kakashi..."

Her voice was so feeble that Kakashi half thought he had imagined it, but his narrowed vision granted him enough view to see her face, and he saw her lips move, her clouded eyes. He was loosing her.

"I promise" He hoped she could hear him, she gazed into his good eyes, and her eyes read:_ Maybe someday you'll understand, what its like, to love someone so much you would die for them, maybe you'll understand, camaraderie, and the reason to sacrifice for the greater good._

A gentle smile, far from her usual one, but one from the heart, one with true meaning. "Thank you... for being there for me."

He shook his head slightly, feeling sadness rise in his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shut out the world, only her, and the sound of her silky voice, one last time.

He kept his eyes closed as he spoke. "You...shouldn't be here... I... I shouldn't be worth it."

He opened his eyes, feeling dazed, a pressure kneading in the back of his head, he watched the colors in his vision, floating across his feild of view, he tracked them with his eyes.

She let out a breath, shakily, a ghost of a laugh living in it. "But you are..."

He squinted his eyes, trying to block out the feelings that were pouring in, ones like the ache in him, wanting to go back to the anesthetic numb from before.

His voice quivers. "I was supposed to... protect you."

It doesn't take him long to realize he's trembling, from what, let it be sorrow or his suffering, but he leaves it be, only wanting to loose himself in her, one last time.

"You'll find another..." she murmured, her eyes becoming foggy and unseeing.

"Not one like you."

They'll never be another one for him, he was never going to love again. This was it for his love life, all he would do for the rest of his life was bury himself in his work until one fatal mission puts him out of his misery. There was nothing for him, he could see no future anymore.

"I'll miss you Kakashi." she whimpered.

He furrowed his brow. This always happens. Everyone he decides to trust dies in the end. He wishes someone would come along and do the rest of the world a favor, what kind of good was he doing?

He lays in silence, gripping her cooling hand, wanting her to know he was there, wanting to tell her to not let go. But he couldn't bare to see her in any kind of pain, even in her dying moments, even with her last breath.

"I break all my promises." He mutters, thinking of Obito.

He couldn't keep his promise to another dying friend. Obito was right, he was worse than trash. He said it under his breath, mostly to himself, but it did not go unheard.

She didn't break eye contact, making sure Kakashi saw her, the stubborn light in her eyes faint and fading fast. "It...it's...okay...Obito will...forgive you... he's that kind of... person..."

He wanted to deny it, beat himself up and give himself the punishment he deserved. He couldn't see any truth in her statement, he was the last one of Team Minato, the team of four had become a team of one.

He held her gaze, the light of surrender and despair clear in his dark orbs. "No. This is... unforgivable... I let you die..." _It should be me_

Her once strong voice had become a low mumble. "Don't say that... It's wrong."

The time spans between them, she can feel a yawning gap between life and death, she wished it didn't have to be this way, but she was just so tired... He can see her loosing grip, giving in, her dead eyes lose their sparkle. There isn't mush time left, she's leaving.

Her voice is strained as she struggles to stay with him. "I'm sorry Kakashi... I can here them calling me."

The sorrow in his eye is clear and he does nothing to hide it as the last thing he has to live for slips away right in front of him. This is it. This was the end. "Just...one last thing...Rin."

He swallows his sorrow, his doubt, but he had no more fear, this was the only chance he had. It was now or never.

He catches her eye as she fights death. Her eyes are half lidded but attentive, she's not gone quite yet. "...Anything..."

He clears his throat, not wanting to cry, wanting her to know, wanting so badly for this to not be the end. His throat closes up in grief but he pushes his words through his pain. "I... I love you Rin, you were everything to me, I'll never forget you..."

Her eyes shimmer for the last time as they slide closed, a sweet smile decorates her face as she hears the words she had been waiting for her whole life. "I know Kakashi... I love you too, always have..."

He knows he is out of time. He gently squeezes her hand as he prepares for goodbye. "Wait for me.. Rin.."

Her smile is frozen on her face as her last words leave her.

"...Forever and always..."

Her hand becomes limp in his and her shoulders sag ever so slightly. A soft sigh leaves her and that is it. Kakashi gives in to the shadows hovering over him, taking him captive, letting it lead him into unconsciousness, not wanting to feel any longer. Not wanting anything, except her. But it was impossible.

_I'll never see her again. She's never coming home. She's gone._

And with that, he slips into oblivion.


End file.
